Friday, June 1, 2012

The Sky Is Blue

I looked up at the bright blue sky. It was moving in the wind, you could see it in the clouds. My mother and I used to believe that groups of angels used clouds to disguise themselves so they could watch us from heaven. I didn't really know my opinion anymore, since my mother died, everything had changed. Whether it was from the way the house seemed or how we acted anymore.
My father had been doing drugs and I had cut myself completely off from the world. I spent most of my time looking at the sky, thinking. My father called it a waste of time, but he was just being a hypocrite. I would spend time in rain or sunshine laying in the grass.  
It was just a comfort to me to have something hug me. Whether it was grass or the breeze, I knew I was not alone. I somehow felt my mother there. My father also thought this was insane, as he told me everyday.
"Mother is long gone, you damned child. Your mother is not coming back whether or not you sit outside. I can't believe you in believe in shit like that. God forbid that you think that you can bring her back. I have such a hard, shitty life, I  don't need to worry about you either."
That was the last conversation me and my father had had, so as you can see, his opinions on me thinking were not so positive. But I didn't come outside just because I thought it might bring my mother back. I went to the grass pasture because it was a place where I could think and just be alone. It was a place where I didn't think that death was right around the corner. I of course, had thought of going to heaven with my mother all the time. My father wouldn't seem to miss me. But something kept me on the earth.
I always thought that maybe it was the daisies, but now as it began to sprinkle and the dark clouds rolled in, I didn't really think so. I started to remember what my mother said about rain. She said that it was the world mourning for tragedy. But it didn't cry when my mother died. And if that wasn't a devestating tragedy, then what the fuck was? 
You could say that I am angry with God, but in my opinion it's okay. I never even got a chance to say goodbye. I loved her. I loved God too, and I suspected that someday I would make peace. But my heart was breaking each and everyday and I only felt more alone.
The bright blue sky was a statement, but with a sigh, it made me feel somewhat calm.

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